"Our ego is a conspirator when locking away the heart. Its the inner hustler, it's the voice in the head that drives; lets perform, pretend perfect, please, prove. It craves acceptance and approval, it has no interest in wholeheartedness, just self protection and adoration. It will do anything to avoid or numb the discomfort associated with being vulnerable, or even being curious, curiosity is risky. If I ask questions, what will people think? If I lean into learning something about myself and what's going on here, what if its unpleasant and uncomfortable? And now because I understand it, I have to do something about it. The ego whilst powerful and demanding is also just a tiny part of who we are. The heart is giant by comparison- its wisdom is free. Its wisdom can drown our the egoic thoughts of needing to be liked, to seek approval."
- Brene Brown
A few changes means that I am having to adjust my routine and spend a longer quantity of my time at home for the next month.
This is something, even after the past year, which makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.
When I feel like this, when change happens I usually start acting a bit “weird”. I curate lists of things to do, ways to keep myself preoccupied and my relationship with food diminishes. I become rigid with eating times, obsess over cleaning (a way of trying to regain control) and have an inability to sit with myself.
There is an element of this now, which I find funny. Being more aware of my behaviours, and creating space between is something which has taken a long time to learn. It gives opportunity to change, to sometimes laugh at what I am thinking, and most importantly act differently- even if the fear sets in when doing so.
The more serious side of this coin is that when thoughts become louder, I do try to drown them out with things to do or ways to implement structure, stability and control. Whilst this is healthy on some levels, my personal “weirdness”, is something I truly cannot believe I have relied on for so long.
We hide behind irrational & rational behind behaviours, routines, schedules and roles. Hiding away from the thought that the truth of who we are will not be acceptable. As humans, when we do not attend to emotions they metastasize- and they grow. When we are disembodied from our emotions, then we can't recognise them and we can't feel them - they grow and grow and grow and take over.
An inability to be with yourself. Or let others be with you. In my case, I suppose, my biggest fear- of being seen exactly as I am. I feel that I am being laid out naked for spectators to see. I look for that dopamine hit from Beth's productivity contest, when really what I am craving is intimacy, closeness and touch.
On the other hand when were connected to our heart, emotions and understanding what they're telling us, then completely new worlds open up to us. Including better decision making, critical thinking, empathy, self compassion, resilience, trust, psychological safety.
Consider that being seen in our most vulnerable is what awakens our heart.So - will you choose ego or wholeheartedness?