Uncertainty & Recovery
Updated: Sep 29, 2020
Change is the word I would use to define this past year. My home has been destroyed due to numerous leaks and other issues, I quit my very stable job clueless about what the next role will be, family and friend dynamics have changed, I was burgled with most of my belongings stolen. I have had a stalker who now has a restraining order and I took a timeout in order to commit to full time day patient treatment for an eating disorder. There have been extreme highs and lows and every single feeling in between. Everything I believed was my life has quite literally been questioned and/ or flipped on its head.
In terms of recovery, the reality is that I took myself out of (what I thought was) my life to enrol in an in-patient programme for an eating disorder. I did this with zero confirmation that I would ever fully recover, this uncertainty has constantly made me feel like a burden and a disappointment to those around me. Through this journey what I have learnt is that we all crucially need the love and connection of others when we fear we might fall apart, it is integral to recovery and to our lives as human beings. The uncertainty and vulnerability essential to recovery is something I find terrifying, nauseating, exhausting and exciting. Its relentless, requires a lot of patience, resilience and acceptance.
As restrictions are being lifted, and with my care plan changing I now have another chapter of uncertainty is ahead of me. Trusting myself and my own judgement has been hard. The uncertainty of what is next can be debilitating and allows for the inner critic to run riot. What will your job be? How have you put yourself in this position? Even so, when fearful questions arise I view them as a nudge to the life inside of me wishing to live more fully. It is a constant reminder for the work I need to do, to find more freedom and joy in order to bring my soul to life.
Uncertainty can bring fear, but we must be accepting that life has no map and is an ultimately a huge unprecedented experiment. The more you try to control the certainty, the more disappointed you will be. When you numb yourself, you try to avoid feeling it all. We must remember that things can be very hard and painful and completely right. The beauty of recovery and life is that it teaches you that you are able to feel it all and survive it. I have been thrown into every single shit storm, my core values and beliefs questioned. With each experience I did not think I could endure another, yet I seem to manage to get up standing fighting stronger and stronger each time. Accepting myself in every capacity, allowing myself to articulate my needs and trusting my own judgement has allowed me to rediscover my voice. Each shit storm has blown me closer to my own authentic self .
Uncertainty enables us to gain the power of effectively dealing with change. We must remember that life is change. We cannot avoid it.
So here's to the next, very uncertain chapter.