Two Years on- Eating Disorder Treatment
As I sit here writing, I cant help but be preoccupied by the ongoing house faults and personal challenges which have been grinding me down. Cheeks flushed, my facialist Vaishaly remarked that “I think your blood is boiling”. And it is, and it has been for quite some time.
I am fucking angry.
And you know what? Society hates angry women. They punish them. For, it is much easier to guilt a woman- new motherhood guilt, doing enough guilt, self sacrificing guilt, body shaming, guilt, guilt, shame, guilt. It's exhausting….
“I think you're being too sensitive”, “too touchy”, “you're taking it too personally”, “just let it go”... are these seriously meant to be the ways in which men have been taught to deny women of experiencing anger? And what's worse, is that we do it to one another.
Because to me, these all translate to “I can't handle you like this”, “you're too much”, “be more passive”, “do as you're told”... STAY IN LINE...
It's insulting, actually.
Because the way society works right now, grinds on me, it's abrasive, it wears you down. Be yourself, yet be like everyone else… please never be too much, or have an opinion of your own, because I can't handle it. And dear god, please don't get angry. It’s unladylike (can you see the guilt there?).
This was meant to be a 2 year on, post-treatment reflection. However, on reflection, I've been angrier than ever, I'm fed up, Im… well, so much of me wants to stay small, to remain physically small, to be nice, compliant, to keep it safe, play it safe and to not cause a fuss. I've even refrained from speaking about mental health as much, as I thought I was being a bit too overbearing and preachy.
And everyone seems to have a magic trick and a way to heal you, and I find a lot of it quite fake really. There are a million and one tools, tricks, self help books… but ultimately, you are your own healer.